Once,
I was beautiful. Beyond compare, as they told me. I was spoken of in households across the town. Men wrote poems about me. Some of them were even well done. This was my youth, my girlhood. My parents, in an act I shall thank them for eternally, delayed my debut for several years. My countenance had no hint of failing early, and a few extra years would do a great deal to improve my deportment -- Especially as I had no interest in marriage.
I should not have minded delaying it further, but it came to a time when there was concern over whether my brother should get into mishap over those repeated conversations of "Sir, my sister is
not out yet." He was quite protective of me, and my parents began to worry it should come to fisticuffs.
So, upon my eighteenth birthday, I was to have my debut after all. I had three proposals by the end of it - and two before, which my mother assured me was
quite gauche. The only fortunate thing that could be said about it was that it was also the night that I met Her.
Naturally, we became bosom friends. It was less than six months later when she invited me to London with her. My parents agreed under the delighted sense that I should have access to meeting suitors of higher quality than in ----shire, and
I agreed as I was beginning to consider quite seriously entering the convent, if only to eschew these wretched unwanted proposals.
I had daydreamed, of course, of going elsewhere with Her, though these thoughts usually revolved more around retiring from society and living in a cottage near the sea, but She assured me that London would be a far better option. And so that spring I went, with Her as my chaperone, to see what surprises London might have in store for me.
It turned out that there was one that I had not at all expected. And after
that, of course - well, I was not what I once was. The young suitors, of course, were much less of an offense when I knew what She would do with them.
I still had no interest in young men, of course, but I found my own way. London was full of lovely people at the time, of course, and there were many among my set who were looking for escape. Who was I to decline them?
Oh, not quickly. I preferred to take things slowly, a little bit at a time. One would be surprised what passed for consumption in those days - but we knew so little of medicine. And the final moment - ah,
that was beautiful.
For many years, it continued thus. Times changed, as they always had, but we were eternal, She and I. Sometimes together, sometimes within our adjacent circles, but always where we went there was beauty and brilliance and death.
Until, of course, our falling out.
I will never forget the flash of silver. The light that glinted off the knife was almost worse than what followed. It was the
knowing, I think - knowing what was to follow and being able to do nothing about it, held down as I was. Three slashes - from forehead to jaw, though the left eye; across the bridge of the nose just to the corner of the lips, and crosswise through the both of them. A scarlet letter -She
was always prone to acts of literary weight. I will not -
can not - describe the pain. I am sure the screaming was exquisite, if one is in to that sort of thing.
She left me the other eye, though we both know it was so I would be sure to see what She had made of me.
I could have groveled and sought a place among the others, but they would never want to look upon me after what She had done. Perhaps it was the delirium, but I supposed if I was to serve on my knees, it would be better that it were in a house of God than a house of the demimonde.
Thus did I begin another life once again. I turned from what I had once been, from the dazzling beauty and the depths of depravity. For my sins, I must atone. Penitent, I am wrought anew. The blood and body of the Lord compels me, bright-burning on my tongue. It sickens me, every time, but I hold it within myself for as long as I am able, and the sickness itself is deserved, for even through my confessions and communions, my sin is still upon me.
It lies upon us all, of course. Some more so than others, though that is for the Lord to judge. Absolution is not mine to offer, nor to have.
But dry your tears. We must put a brave look upon our faces, when we come upon those things that horrify us. You have nothing to fear. Your sins are not so great. Do you understand?
There, now. Hush.
You're prettier when you smile.