Closed RP Greed, Theft, Telling Lies

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Nahual watched the two of them very closely, the smile still on her face. Unfortunately, the smile couldn't keep its calm, collected nature like Nahual desired. It faded too far into straight confusion- because Nahual was confused by everything she saw. Todd's movements, the action of his lips touching Sam's forehead and his movements toward Nahual, had elicited calmness out of Sam? Sam even smiled at Nahual now??

Nahual had broken eye contact with Todd fairly quickly, but the aversion was overtly not out of deference. She was simply confused and attempting to process. Todd also wasn't eating, Nahual noted that as an advantage she had over him. Nahual had so many advantages over this little almost-human! She could become anything, almost instantly! Was it the way Todd touched her? Or was it the fact that it was Todd touching her? Then there was the time... Two whole months, that was so long, lifetimes of length. Maybe that was it.

That was it, that had to be it.

Nahual popped her head up from the second- or was it third?- Fajita, eating it calmly just like Sam showed her. Smiling genuinely once again, Nahual seemed to come to a conclusion in her head. A plan had been formed, it would take time, so much time, but Nahual believed she had that. Nahual would make Sam pick her, and Nahual could play nice until that time came. Looking to Todd and showing a look of understanding, she nodded. She made it very clear through her body language that she was backing off.

"I understand, yes, perfectly understood. Well! Food will be added to- er, eaten, soon. Finished? Finished. What's the plan for tomorrow?"

'Change the subject Nahual, we have time. Let Todd think we back off, mimic the retreat, he will not know the difference.'
 


Sam leaned onto the table and watched Todd intently as he spoke. His words weren’t clipped or snappy– he purred, a kind of strength behind it that she found herself absolutely enraptured with. She licked her lips and swallowed as she noticed how tight his jaw was. Something about this, something about the way he was wound up like this, like a real predator, had her… feral. Yeah, that was the word. Feral. Sam felt feral.

Her foot began to bounce as the weird energy continued to build. She managed to pry her eyes off of Todd for just long enough to look at Nahual again, her eyes filled with something close to mania. The flush on her face stayed just as bright and just as warm as she tilted her head inquisitively. “What do you mean tomorrow, Nahual?”

She paid little attention to Nahual’s face or body language, too eager to return to watching Todd. She knew she was being blatant and obvious and maybe just a touch unhinged. She couldn’t find it in herself to be embarrassed or upset with herself. Not when Todd was being so… him. With a start, she realized exactly what it was that she was so enraptured with.

This was the most she’d ever seen Todd lean into his instincts before. Yes, she had seen him when he was fighting, and he was also attractive to her then, when he shrugged off bullets and took blows like they were nothing, when he prowled instead of walked, when he moved in that manner that she suspected other people must have found unnerving. God, she had seen him like that, but it was nowhere near this level of… whatever this was that Todd was doing.

And Sam really liked it.

Sam really liked it.

For a moment, some worry crept in. This wasn’t the way that his father had been about his mother. She didn’t want to feed him people and she didn’t want to have him eat her or anything like that. But holy shit, did she want to see more of this. It felt so real, so strong and so true, that she couldn’t help the way she was reacting to it. She made a soft noise, but then realized she had and put a hand to her mouth, looking down for a moment. She had to get a handle on herself, right then. When she looked back up at him, it was a little more bashfully.​
 

With the way Sam was acting, the feelings and body language she was putting off, Nahual wouldn't have been surprised if she took Todd right there on the table. Would've made the food less appetizing, that's for sure. She ate a little faster, the meat was nearly gone as Nahual loaded as much of the condiments until the bowls ran dry. Biomass was biomass and this was- not enough.

Looking over at Sam again, Nahual sighed and glanced at Todd. "Oh, well, I only assumed..." She started, waiting to see if Todd remembered what he had mentioned before. To see if Todd desired to teach her still, or if she was simply to appreciate this brief respite before returning to the pursuit of more biomass. Even while eating, Nahual still struggled to keep her mind from wandering to more and more food.

Tapping the table as she finished off yet another fajita, Nahual continued, "I mean, I understand if you'd like me to go. I have no, uh, desire to intrude. I am thankful for what has been offered to me! Of course, I am still hungry, I don't think there's enough food in this whole place for me right now haha! Ha- haha!"

Nahual was laughing.

It wasn't funny.
 

Sam looked away from Todd again and looked at Nahual for the first real time since Todd had come back into the room. She looked the girl over and tried to reign in some of her energy. The girl’s laughter was hollow, and Sam finally remembered what was happening. Nahual didn’t have a home, didn’t have anywhere safe to be. She might have been a monster, and she might have wanted to sleep with Sam, but she was still… fuck. She was still pulling on Sam’s heart with the hollowness, that fake happiness.

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling, biting her lip. Then she looked back at the girl, and before Todd could answer, she took over. “Listen. You don’t have to go. But you’re not sleeping on my couch after recent… developments. If Todd’s fine with you sleeping on his couch, then I’m fine with it. And tomorrow… fuck, I have the day off. I have to run some errands, you can come with me. But only if you fucking behave. Okay?”

She looked back at the girl for a moment, giving her her full attention. Then her gaze inevitably drifted back to Todd, to trace the lines of his face as her heart thrummed heavily. There, she had managed five seconds of normalcy before falling right back into her fascinated stare. At the very least, she was keeping her ears open and staying involved in the conversation.​
 
Nahual stood down, and at least on the surface, Todd relaxed a little. He’d have to keep an eye on her, but at least for now, she was acknowledging where exactly she stood on the food chain. Or, well, whatever chain they had going on. He didn’t really understand it – he’d planned to be normal, to be human, at least in front of both Sam and Nahual, but already he felt the shift in his brain. Was it part of his relapse? If it was, that was a fucking problem.

Not right now, though. That was a problem for a little later, when he could step away from both of them and think. Because it wasn’t just Nahual responding to his threat display. When he was sure she wouldn’t push her boundaries, Todd looked back at Sam, and embarrassment softened the edges of his features, even if he didn’t fully drop his body language. She wasn’t supposed to see that side of him. He was happy she wasn’t – well, that she wasn’t seeing it as what it was. But it reminded him what Ethan had asked him.

You don’t have a lot of time then, do you? If you want this, want her, make it worth it. Don’t just string her along and leave her with nothing.

Now tell me, Todd, do you fucking want to be with Samantha? Are. You. Happy?

He smiled again, warmer this time. He might not want exactly what she wanted, not now. But there was a reason why he was putting Nahual in her place over this. Because he was happy. And he wasn’t going to lose that happiness to a man-eating mushroom, or whatever she was, no matter how much she resonated with his predator.

But. He sighed a little, and looked back at Nahual at the same time Sam did. He saw the little thing again, the small predator that he’d found in the sewer. As irritating as it was, she really didn’t know better than this. She was an animal, with human features. And Todd remembered that he’d promised, or at least offered, to help her figure out how to become more than that. He wasn’t going to go back on his word.

Even monsters deserved second chances. Even monsters that wanted Sam. In any capacity.

He’d been about to say he’d call in, ask Henry to cover his shift tomorrow, when Sam spoke up. He looked at her, not quite sharply, but with a question in his eyes. If she was sure, he wouldn’t argue. And one look at her told him she’d seen something similar to what he saw, when she looked at Nahual. His face softened a little more.

He looked back at the creature he’d brought home. “I’m alright with that. Tomorrow night, after I get off of work, we can talk about… what we discussed in the car. I’ll still help you, on the condition you – as Sammy just put it – fucking behave. If you can do that, you can stay for as long as you need.”

It was hard. Whatever was under his skin really didn’t like this idea, beyond the concept of having another predator. Fuck. Fuck, was this how Ethan felt about him after he found out about Mal? He definitely didn’t want her, not with the same feral, manic need that Ethan had about him. Maybe because he already had Ethan, and Connor, and Adelyn, all kinds of other predators. But… but he’d already seen that side of her.

Shit. Maybe he really was going soft.
 

Perfection.

Nahual giggled and smiled genuinely again. Of course, the best lies had bits of truth into them. She didn't have anywhere to go and that was sad, but it wasn't as sad as perhaps it should've been. Nahual liked the dark and the cold, the outside was a comforting place to her. Though she preferred trees and mountains over asphalt and brick.

Looking down, Nahual realized all of the food was gone. Not that the meat had been finished and it was time to clean, no. All of the food was gone, and Nahual was still hungry. Sighing, she stood up and stretched. "Well! Time to go! Oh-" Nahual realized she never answered either of them. Laughing, she continued, "Oh yes! I can behave! Fucking behave! Of course, haha! Thank you! I'm going to go sleep on the couch now, goodbye!"

Standing, she started walking toward the door. It did not occur to Nahual that Todd was necessary to let her into his apartment, but that was a problem for the Nahual of 60 seconds later. The Nahual of now could only think of resting, as resting allowed her to not utilize as much biomass. The brain was such a complex and needy organ, it was unfortunate that it was so necessary.
 

Sam rolled her eyes as the girl excused herself, but it only lasted for a moment. She bit her lip as she felt the girl leave the apartment, as she felt the door shut. She waited until Nahual was halfway down the hall before she moved. Honestly, this was probably a bad idea in general. But Sam didn’t care. She could regret it later, if there was anything to regret. Because she certainly wouldn’t regret having her way if this worked.

Moving quickly, with as much speed and grace as she could, Sam stood from her chair and jumped to sit on the table right in front of Todd, swinging her leg over his lap to rest on the other side of his waist. She scooted as close to the edge as she could, pressing her knees into his sides. Then, not giving him time to really think or process what she was doing, Sam kissed him.

While her normal kisses sometimes fell more on the side of feral than not, this one was fully feral. Her hands wound through his curls, her lips crashed into his, and she made an eager sound that under normal circumstances would have left her embarrassed. But none of that mattered as she pressed her chest into his, breaking the kiss to take a small gasp of air.

“Todd, I want you to fuck me.” The words left her lips in a breathy whisper, her fingers sliding from his hair to the side of his face. She leaned her forehead on his, letting him feel the warmth radiating off of her. She had managed to control it while Nahual was there, but now that she was gone, Sam let it out, let him feel the full burn of her want. And god, she wanted him.​
 
The second Nahual was out of the room, Sam kissed Todd. More than that, Sam kissed Todd. It happened so fast that before his mouth was full of her, he didn’t really register what was going on; he’d been braced to start sorting out why the hell he’d suddenly gotten so territorial with something he’d earlier that night written off as a non-threat, as something alike.

All of that shattered when his mouth filled with her. Cinnamon and sugar, they immediately pulled a return kiss from him, any opportunity to open his mouth and breathe her in. He reciprocated. Of course he did – anything for more of that, more of her. Her warmth radiated through him, and his shoulders relaxed.

Until she pulled away, and he actually heard what she whispered. Then, everything tumbled into place, and his face turned bright red. He leaned back, pulled away, feeling a little bad for breaking away from her touch after what had just happened. But all he could think about was how quickly that could go very, very badly after the last few days.

“Sammy… Sam, no. Not tonight.”

As much as he wanted it, as much as he’d been thinking about it, as much as he could smell her desire and exactly what that desire was for, rolling off her in waves… he bit down on his tongue, tried to shove everything that’d poured into him back into the box it had come out of when he saw Nahual looking at Sam. Not tonight.

Maybe not ever. But definitely not tonight.
 

“No, no, please. Please, Todd.” She followed him as he pulled away, where she normally would have let him go without pressing. Not this time. As he pushed away, she slipped her hips off the table and into his lap, her knees hitting the chair and leaving her kneeling over him. Still, she barely reached his lips, and rather than chase them, she pressed small kisses to his jawline.

She used one hand to balance on his shoulder and let the other return to his curls, burying deep in their damp tangles. Her face was flushed and pouring off heat, the blush following her neck down to her upper chest where it was covered by her suit. She gripped his shoulder tighter, digging her nails into his shirt.

Sam had never pushed for this before. She had occasionally given him a more fierce kiss or touched him with a bit more want before. Just gentle pushes, ones that he had accepted but then just as gently denied by breaking away. He knew she wanted him, and she had just settled on that habit, of offering and waiting for him to accept. But right then, right then Sam wanted Todd. She couldn’t explain in words what seeing him be so instinctively territorial of her had done to her. Even if she could, she wasn’t leaving space for the words to come out.

“Please,” She breathed the word right against his ear before dipping just a bit lower to nip with her teeth at the tender and sensitive skin right below his ear. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing, or even where it was coming from, but she wasn’t going to fight it. “Please, touch me. Touch me, love me, give me something. I need you.”

She took in a slightly sharp breath as she realized exactly what she was saying, at the gentle desperation in her voice. Did she really sound like that? So feathery and pleading? Her hands started to shake as she brought them to either side of his face again, tilting his head down to hers, brushing her lips over his. “Please, I’m trying to be patient, I really am. Please give me this.”​
 
Sam was pushing, really pushing, for the first time since they’d started dating. In the past he’d been able to gently rebuff her, especially after the dinner where… well, the last time they had a talk. She’d taken ‘no’ after his reaction then, and hadn’t asked for so much as an excuse, though he almost always had one prepared.

He didn’t, this time, and this time, she didn’t stop.

He felt her warmth radiate through him from the places where her body touched his, cutting through the chill that lingered after his last meal. His heartbeat rose with each kiss, his breathing deepened, taking her scent in slow, refreshing ebbs and flows. Just a breath away, just the slightest difference between that scent and the taste of her still in his mouth, incredible and irresistible. And how could he forget she was his, all his? Not Connor’s, not Nahual’s, not Ethan’s, not the assassins from Nine-Tails. His. He dragged his hands up her waistline, climbing the ladder of her ribs. Tightening his fingers at the thought of anything or anyone else enjoying his –

Her ribs shifted under his touch. For a moment, one pure moment, he felt her brokenness, her weakness, her small body so, so close to him, unable to even move properly if he so much as flexed his fingers. His Sammy, human flesh, human bone, metahuman heat.

The soft whimper that suddenly punctuated her need dragged him off of the dark path his mind had been wandering down. Even in pain, she just held him tighter, like he was a lifeline and not a waiting shark. His head spun a little, still full of her scent, but that whimper cleared it like a gunshot.

“Not tonight,” he repeated, with a little more force. He swallowed, but took Sam’s face between his hands and gently tilted her away from him, held her head where he could lean back and meet her eyes. He hoped she didn’t recognize the nature of his own want as he watched her.

“I–” his mind raced for an excuse that would work, the excuse to run away, except… except the only place he could go was toward Nahual. He sighed, then tried to cover his second swallow with, “I really don’t want our first time to be because of her, Sammy. Please?”
 
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Sam’s heart stung in her chest at the rejection. Everything inside her dropped to the bottom of her stomach, and she withdrew, the light in her eyes dying down. She dropped her shaking hands from his face and leaned back, looking anywhere but at him. She pushed his hands away and very carefully got to her feet. She didn’t look at him, didn’t speak, at least, not for a long moment. She just wrapped her arms around herself and looked at the floor. The sting became an ache became a stabbing became a crushing. Finally, she felt something give under the weight of it, splintering like wood.

“Why don’t you want me?” Her voice was small, but she knew he would hear it. She knew she didn’t have to be loud. Her wendigo would’ve been able to hear her across the room with that volume. She looked back up from her feet, tears streaming silently down her face as she looked at him. “Why don’t you– no. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

She took a half step back, giving him space. How he had gone from being so territorial of her, practically ready to fight Nahual over her, to pushing her away when she chased that, she didn’t know. A bit of her heart broke at the idea that she really was just food, just a little human, and that she could never be to him what he was to her. She could never exist on the level that she needed to in order to really be his mate. If she did, if she were equal to him, then he wouldn’t push her away. He wouldn’t continue to reject her when she asked him for more.

“You’re, aha, you’re right. It shouldn’t… it shouldn’t…” She couldn’t get through the statement. She curled in on herself and turned completely away from him so he couldn’t see her crumple. She was trying so hard to not fall back into the emotional hole she felt like she had just finished climbing out of. Why did she give him this power over her? She hated it. She hated that he could reduce her to ash with just a few words. She hated that he could have so much of her and give so little of himself. It hurt, cut through all of the walls and the flesh and went straight for her heart.

“I’ll be more patient. I’m sorry.”​
 
Sammy’s fire died.

He practically watched it flicker and sputter under his words, felt the coolness in her that just a second ago had been all-consuming and bright. He smelled the tears even before she turned her face and showed them to him. The tears that were heavy with hormones he didn’t have the names for, the ones that told his heart how badly it had broken her.

Just like he broke everything else he touched. Even when he was trying to protect people, even when he was trying to love them, he couldn’t stop what he was, could he? All she ever did was give and give and give, and he let her, because to refuse was as bad as taking. Maybe Ethan was right – maybe he never wanted this in the first place. Maybe he was… maybe he was wrong, or confused. He’d never felt this way before, but that didn’t mean he felt the same way she did. He knew how she felt. She wore them on her sleeve.

And he couldn’t. He felt the anger crawl through him like an icy fog. Why did he have to lie? Why did he have to camouflage and pretend and never show her what he really was? Why? Why was it when he got one thing, one good thing, one thing worth living and dying for besides his own stupid survival – why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be Sammy, who wanted a soulmate without a soul, who didn’t know the thing she showed such vulnerability to could take it the wrong way? A predator. Sammy, who hunted predators, thought she wanted him.

God. What a cosmic joke. And he was the fucking punchline, and Sammy was forced to be there with him.

“It’s not that I don’t want you, Sammy.” He stood up to follow her, and then hesitated. She pulled away from him. Chasing her wouldn’t help anyone. He wanted to be open, but he didn’t want to scare her. He didn’t need her being scared of him, on top of all of this. His voice was quiet, an attempt at assurance while he hid the things he wanted to yell, not at her but to use her as the vessel for all the frustration of tonight. Of the last weeks, months, fucking years.

But he wouldn’t, because she was Sammy, and he’d hurt her enough already. He stayed where he was, the anger giving way to a heavy kind of exhaustion, the kind that didn’t have anything to do with his body.

“I–I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just– I can’t tonight.

Or ever.
 

Todd wasn’t lying to her.

She turned back to him when he didn’t follow her. Her breath was shaky as she looked at him, as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve. She took a few sharp breaths before she finally looked up at him, and this time, it was to more than damp eyes. Her face was lit up, her eyes narrowed in soft anger.

“You don’t show it. You only touch me when I touch you. You don’t comfort me and hold me when I break down unless I seek you out. You don’t give me anything except when I ask for it or take it. I don’t want space between us. I don’t want anything between us. Why don’t you understand that? I know that you think I’ll care, but I know what–”

She cut herself off sharply, swallowing back the words that wanted to come up. “I know what you are, and I’m not afraid of you.” She couldn’t say that, not now, not just out of the blue. She couldn’t just tell him that she knew. He would run. She knew him well enough to know he would run.

“I don’t know why you have to be so undemanding. I don’t know why you don’t ask me for anything. I don’t know why you only give when I take it from you. I need it to change. I don’t care if we have sex right now if you won’t even hold me of your own volition while I’m crying. Yes, I want you in every way you could possibly want someone. Yes, I want to fuck you, but I want to hold you too. And I want to hold your hands, and I want to curl up next to you on the couch without pulling you over and I want to sleep next to you and wake up with you there, and I want you to want me. I want you to stop pretending!”

Once the words started coming, they wouldn’t stop, and even though the tears started to trace lines down her cheeks, she stayed animated and moving, her hands moving between them, then finally fisting in his sweatshirt as she got closer to him. “Can you do that, Todd? Can you stop pretending? I know what you’re really like, and what you did at dinner? That’s the realest you’ve been outside the mask ever. I’m tired of this polite mask you keep putting on, I’m tired of pretending I don’t–”

She cut herself off again and pressed her forehead to his chest, her shoulders raised high in frustration. She couldn’t say any more. She couldn’t keep getting so close to saying she knew. She pulled back and looked at him, and in a pleading voice, her hands still buried in his sweatshirt, she said, “Can you at least do that for me, Todd? Please?”​
 
She was angry. He took it. She was angry, and she deserved to be. Maybe she wasn’t angry about what he was, what he’d been hiding, but she had a right to be angry he was hiding anything at all.

There’d been half a second there, though. Half a moment, half a sentence where he thought she was going to say I know what you are. Like she wouldn’t care. Like it was different, because it was him. But he knew her better than that. Or he thought he did. She’d given him everything. Why she’d hide that from him if she knew – whether she wanted to do something about it or not – he couldn’t imagine. She wasn’t going to do that to him.

Was she?

That was a question for later. Right now his own anger stirred again, real anger, not hot and full of wit but soft and icy. And admittedly, this anger wasn’t just with the vast impersonal universe. She’d pressed herself up against him, and as badly as he wanted to hold her right now, he couldn’t bring himself to move. He laughed bitterly.

“You see all of that, and you can’t see–” he stopped, realizing he’d raised his voice a little. He flinched, and reigned in his temper. It was his turn to look at the floor, and not her, eyes wet. “You can’t see that I don’t deserve you? That I can’t– I can’t ask anything of you, because what if – what if that’s too much? What if I stop asking, and start taking? What then? You don’t know how much you are, and you don’t know… you don’t know how much better you are, Samantha. You don’t know what you’re competing with here.”

His shoulders slumped. Polite mask or not, the weariness, the exhaustion, those were real enough. He brought himself to touch her, to put his palms on her shoulders and hold her with as much gentle patience as he could muster right now. Not like she was glass – like she was a wild animal, something he didn’t want to feel trapped. Tight enough that he wouldn’t drop her, but she could drop herself if she felt suffocated.

“There’s parts of me, Sam. Parts of me that I don’t want anybody to see ever again. If I could get rid of them, put them in a box and throw away the key, I’d do it in a heartbeat. If it means I have to pretend then that’s the price I have to pay. As much as I–” I love you, thought the loveless thing– “As much as you mean to me, it’s not just for you. I don’t know if I can stop. I know that I shouldn’t stop. I wish– I wish I could explain better.”

He sighed, and it reached the bottom of his lungs before it came out, and he brought himself to wrap her in his arms. There wasn’t enough hunt left in him for that to be a risk, at least, but he knew what had almost caused this slip.

“I shouldn’t have even done that. Just now, with Nahual. She was out of line, but she didn’t deserve that. The mask is a buffer, a barrier. But that – that hurts people. And I guess – I guess I’m scared of who I used to be hurting you.”

That was close enough, he decided. That was as close as he dared to get, pressed up against her like this. Any more and the inferno might start. No matter what he’d hoped she’d said, the sad, exhausted part of his monster knew that there was only one way out of this cycle.

It didn’t have to be tonight, though.

“I can… I can ask for more, if that’s what you really want. I’m sorry I haven’t before. I didn’t – I didn’t know how. Believe it or not, I haven’t done this whole ‘serious relationship’ thing before. I guess… I guess I can start by asking you to please, tell me these things when they happen, so that this doesn’t happen. I don’t want this. Okay?”
 

“You don’t have to take anything, Todd. I’m giving it to you. You have my permission. Take it, take it all, I’m begging you to. Just show me that you want me, that you need me like I need you. I know you don’t l-love me. But I love you. I want you to have everything. I’ll try to tell you when this happens. I’ll try to not let it build up again.”

She nestled herself into his arms, her hands moving to his back to grip at his sweatshirt. She let herself just enjoy that for a moment, the feeling of his arms wrapped tight around her, secure and warm. Warm. Even if Todd was made of ice, he was warm to her. He made her warm, so that she could make him warm. She let her anger settle and clear before she continued to speak.

“I don’t know why you think you don’t deserve me. You’re amazing, Todd Fowler. And I’m not afraid of who you ar– used to be. You won’t hurt me, not ever. The only thing you can do that would hurt me is keep yourself from me. I… can accept your reasoning for the mask. Can you… can you try to be a little more relaxed with me? A little more real? That’s all I’m asking.”

Then, she buried her face in his shirt, holding him tight to her. She wanted so badly to tell him. She wanted so badly to tell him that she knew what he was, that he was safe to be himself, that she would never hurt him. If she told him that, what would he do? Would he run from her? Would he stay? She thought he’d run away. But maybe if she told him slowly, over time, and he came to the realization himself–

“You’re safe with me. To be you. You’re safe with me, to be whatever it is you're worried is going to hurt me. I’m strong, I’m sturdy. I can weather it. But you won’t hurt me with it. I trust you, I love you, and I know you better than that. Even if it’s tried to hurt me before, you’ll keep its teeth away from me.”

That wasn't slow. A small wince and a soft laugh that could be misinterpreted as something other than the nervous tick it was. She pulled back, just enough to look up at him. Just enough to smile up at him with damp eyes and a barely-there smile. Just enough for him to see it in her eyes if he was looking. The silent affirmation. The quiet acknowledgment. He would be able to see it if he looked for it, that she knew what she was saying. But she didn’t say that, she didn’t tell him directly that she knew.

If he didn't know she knew, then slowly. If he did know, but didn't want to address it, then slowly.

Slowly.

She could do it slowly.​
 
I know you don’t l-love me.

She knew. His heart almost stopped when she said that, and the cold tried to bleed out of his bones in sharp panic. But – no. No, no, no. That was a normal statement, a normal sentiment, he told himself. She didn’t know he couldn’t love her, heartless thing that he was, she thought he didn’t love her, which was worse for her. But she loved him anyway. And that broke whatever was in the cavity his heart belonged in.

He wanted to explain. It was on the tip of his tongue, to explain. To say that his reservations weren’t because of who he was, or who she was. It was his fault, it was what he was at fault here.

He wanted to lie. It was on the tip of his tongue, to lie, to say that of course he loved her. Of course. It was only because of what he was that he couldn’t, that he couldn’t promise her safety or promise to hold her safety above his own. He couldn’t make a promise he’d break, if his relapse continued.

He wanted to run, to break out of her grip and bolt and never look back to see the horror and grief in her eyes. He wanted this to end already, so he’d stop hurting her with what he was, to get away before whatever he was supposed to say (and what was he supposed to say?) ruined the moment, ruined her.

He wanted to stand here, to stay forever holding her in his arms, her face buried in his chest. He wanted this second to last an eternity before whatever he was supposed to say (and what was he supposed to say?) ruined the moment, possibly ruined her, ruined them.

He wanted her. He wanted every part of her – she was already his, but every part of him wanted every part of her so badly that it hurt, sometimes, times she’d never know about because he knew she wouldn’t want him to hurt. He wanted to be honest, he wanted to lie, he wanted to run, he wanted to stay. He wanted her to believe he loved her, even if it was a lie, the worst lie he’d ever told.

You’ll keep its teeth away from me.

His heart stopped again, and this time, all his muscles froze, every train of thought stopping at the same junction as he saw the red lights flashing. His eyes focused down on her face, widening slightly, until he saw her own eyes.

She knew. Of course she knew.

Was this it, then? He tried to breathe. He tried to think. He – he didn’t want to think, when he died, but she had something in her eyes that made him want to believe this wasn’t it, it wasn’t over. His mind took a moment to catch up, to actually hear the rest of what she’d said. His eyes burned, tears forming, but as he looked at her, he found that his muscles could relax. If this was what he’d thought it was, then of course he couldn’t run.

He relaxed in her arms. He heard her, he saw her.

He knew. Of course he knew.

She didn’t want it to end like that. She wanted him too much for it. She was waiting. Why she was waiting, he could only guess. Maybe she just wanted him in her arms a little longer; maybe she just wanted him in bed with her, a last good memory; maybe, she genuinely hoped she was wrong, or that he was better than the monster he could be. He’d almost been, several times. He’d actually become just this week.

She was wrong. For waiting. It was only a matter of time.

But he blinked his eyes, and the burning went away. The fear went away. All that was left was a sort of hollow sadness, a grief that ran all the way down to his bones to rest in the bed of his cold until she burned both away.

It was inevitable. It always would be. But she’d be there, and she’d be ready, when it was time. Until he broke, she was here to keep him safe. To keep everyone around them safe. He took a long, deep breath, filling his lungs with her again, and he smiled, without ever losing the sadness in his eyes.

He understood. Every second counted from here. He’d enjoy it, while it lasted. However long she needed to say goodbye.

He craned his head forward, down to meet her lips, and he kissed her, appetite gone, replaced with a different kind of cold emptiness that only she could fill.

He just wished he could lie, and tell her he loved her.
 
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