He nodded at Todd's brief response, taking a sip from his coffee.
"Mm." He said, "I was with her for a few months- half a year, in total. I was the one to break it off, in the end, but that was only because she couldn't bring herself to do it first. She always said I was an awful guy to argue with- I guess she didn't want the conflict."
Kosuke winced- guilt, in face alone.
"I had been here for just over two years, at that point- settled down, set up a store, started a band, I was living clean, y'know? To everyone around me, it looked like I finally had my shit together- sure, I wasn't working at fucking Toyota, but I wasn't... I wasn't doing what I used to be doing. I kept my hands to myself, and my head out of trouble."
He frowned.
"Kept my band at arms length, at first. And my employees. My circle was big, but it was distant- people socialised with the idea of me, with the person I was trying to be, to the point where I lost track of everything else. The choices I made, they made people like me more, so I assumed they were the right ones. I didn't bother working on the rest."
There was another hint of something in his face, now. Frustration, maybe- like he was reading off a scripted apology he didn't quite believe in, like this was some mandatory PR tour after some scandal. In a way, it was. Their relationship had been public, after all.
"Carmilla... wasn't the first, but she was the last. When you get close to one person when you're not used to closeness, then- I guess-"
He snapped his fingers, searching for the right way to say it.
"They see the whole picture, no matter what. So, if there's shit you haven't had to clean up yet because you're so used to pushing it down, then they'll see it. And, if you're not used to taming it, then-"
He shook his head, resting his elbows against the table and running his hands through his hair. Once again, he couldn't look Todd in the eye- and, when he spoke, the guilt had returned to his voice.
"I was never... violent with her- with any of them. Never abusive. But, I think... I think they could tell I used to be. I... said things, y'know? Things that, in my old life, nobody would've batted an eye at- but, because I wasn't used to toning it down, they all just... came out. And- look, I'm not saying you're as bad as I was, Todd, I'm not accusing you of that at all, but..."
He shrugged.
"I just... shouldn't have rested my whole weight on one person like that. If you're not confident enough to take on a few close friendships, then god knows what'll happen with something more intimate."
A pause.
"I'm better, now. After we broke up, I started getting closer to everyone else- my relationships weren't as fake anymore, I wasn't as fake anymore. I don't know. What I'm trying to get at, here, is isolation isn't something you can do half-way, yeah?"
He laughed, slightly.
"And it sounds like you've got a good thing going with this roommate of yours, so you might as well swing away from this bullshit whilst you can."
"Mm." He said, "I was with her for a few months- half a year, in total. I was the one to break it off, in the end, but that was only because she couldn't bring herself to do it first. She always said I was an awful guy to argue with- I guess she didn't want the conflict."
Kosuke winced- guilt, in face alone.
"I had been here for just over two years, at that point- settled down, set up a store, started a band, I was living clean, y'know? To everyone around me, it looked like I finally had my shit together- sure, I wasn't working at fucking Toyota, but I wasn't... I wasn't doing what I used to be doing. I kept my hands to myself, and my head out of trouble."
He frowned.
"Kept my band at arms length, at first. And my employees. My circle was big, but it was distant- people socialised with the idea of me, with the person I was trying to be, to the point where I lost track of everything else. The choices I made, they made people like me more, so I assumed they were the right ones. I didn't bother working on the rest."
There was another hint of something in his face, now. Frustration, maybe- like he was reading off a scripted apology he didn't quite believe in, like this was some mandatory PR tour after some scandal. In a way, it was. Their relationship had been public, after all.
"Carmilla... wasn't the first, but she was the last. When you get close to one person when you're not used to closeness, then- I guess-"
He snapped his fingers, searching for the right way to say it.
"They see the whole picture, no matter what. So, if there's shit you haven't had to clean up yet because you're so used to pushing it down, then they'll see it. And, if you're not used to taming it, then-"
He shook his head, resting his elbows against the table and running his hands through his hair. Once again, he couldn't look Todd in the eye- and, when he spoke, the guilt had returned to his voice.
"I was never... violent with her- with any of them. Never abusive. But, I think... I think they could tell I used to be. I... said things, y'know? Things that, in my old life, nobody would've batted an eye at- but, because I wasn't used to toning it down, they all just... came out. And- look, I'm not saying you're as bad as I was, Todd, I'm not accusing you of that at all, but..."
He shrugged.
"I just... shouldn't have rested my whole weight on one person like that. If you're not confident enough to take on a few close friendships, then god knows what'll happen with something more intimate."
A pause.
"I'm better, now. After we broke up, I started getting closer to everyone else- my relationships weren't as fake anymore, I wasn't as fake anymore. I don't know. What I'm trying to get at, here, is isolation isn't something you can do half-way, yeah?"
He laughed, slightly.
"And it sounds like you've got a good thing going with this roommate of yours, so you might as well swing away from this bullshit whilst you can."
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