Failed Assassination Attempt #725


PRE ENT T ME: 7:00

Ira woke up annoyed. It was not often that she woke up annoyed, usually, she felt nothing but joy as she came from her waking world to the world of dreams called 'Earth.' But something had changed last night, a new presence invaded her peace and tranquility. Worse still, her better half had seemed to fall head over heels for it! That disturbance of peace, that disgusting little thing, that new monstrous creation! How horrible! How nasty! How absolutely -squishy-


Ira looked down, something squishy was beneath her bare foot as she attempted to slide out of her bed in her thick, white cotton foundation clothes. It looked like a little black glob of slime, so Ira squished it once more beneath her toes before pulling her foot away. Examining her toes, completely dry, she was looking for any disturbance or residue on her when she noticed something entirely new from the little black glob. It had eyes, and it was looking at her.

She crooked her head to the right, it wiggled right. She crooked to the left, it wiggled left. Reaching down, she attempted to squelch it between her fingers once more. However, as her fingers graced its body, it became as hard as a steel ball and rolled away with the movement of her fingers along its form. Then, stopping the middle of her room, it looked at her again.

and wiggled.

Standing up, Ira finally spoke, "What is it? Explain! Small thing, what-? How arrive you here?"
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-Beyond the Outside-

Far beyond such simple things as space and time lurked a malevolence beyond simple mortal reasoning or knowledge. Its very name, when uttered aloud, called forth countless galaxies into existence as further more fell into the deep dark doom that was the end of all things. And it was not alone.

Others joined the entity in a relatively small pocket of space that it had created for simply this: a meeting. None of them were truly there, but that mattered not. What mattered was that they knew what was happening in that retched plane of existence, the dimension they called the Prime Dimension. It disgusted them all on some level because it, unlike the entities, operated via rigid machinations such as physics and (even more disgusting) laws. It was antithetical to these Outer Beings that something as abhorrent as other life forms had not only sprouted there but flourished.

This...this was not the problem of this meeting, however. A tall, wispy form bathed in shadows waved a dark appendage towards the gathering; it summoned forth a window to gaze into the abominable dimension.  The screen depicted a small humanoid interacting with a little black ball...a black ball with large round pupil-less eyes.

"What is it DOING there?," a vaguely feminine voice boomed over the rolling rock-like hills that comprised the pocket dimension's floor, "Why is the creature just...SITTING there?!"

"Indeed!," erupted a deeper articulate voice, "We spent eons worth of energy creating that Beast and yet it simply...WIGGLES? WHY IS IT WIGGLING?"

Murmurs flooded through the meeting space before the tall wispy one held up a singular smaller appendage, an attempt at garnering the attention of the others to soothe their ire.

"Well it wiggles as a response to stimuli. Note that the creature has been interrogated by the fleshy one. While not willing or capable of answering the question in a suitable manner for most, I believe that the wiggling IS in itself a response...albeit a very noncommittal one."

The rage that filled the enclosed dimension was enough that no less than three different planes of existence imploded.

What? What is this? Restrained? Yes. By what?

Matter. What? Occupies space. Has mass. Strange.

The newly-created being was still contemplating being when Ira's foot made contact with its physical outer shell.

Matter touching matter. Prepare for annihilation event...

1 second passed. 2 seconds.

But nothing happened. Exhilarating. The creature's eyes looked up to see Ira's foot pressing into its body again.

Attack? No. No damage. Surface tension maintaining perfect kinetic energy dispersion.

Looking back at the other creature in the room, the small black entity began analysis.

Flesh bags filled with biological fluid and held up by a strangely solid interior structure that was both firm yet mobile. Entire apparatus controlled by large centralized terminal via chemical and electrical impulses. FASCINATING

Only then did the creature see that Ira's eyes had locked onto its own observational instrumentation. Mimicking her movements vaguely was an easy-enough exercise that allowed the creature to become slightly more at ease with the concept of matter touching matter touching matter touching matter touching matter STOP CYCLE BEFORE RISK OF INTERNAL DAMAGE TO REASONING MEMBRANES.

Peace pervaded the environment for 2.372 standard seconds before the Rock-Suspended Flesh Bag let loose a cacophony of sound waves that could best be described by the Black Ball as jarring. It took the round creature 3.159 standard seconds to finally process that these sound emissions were some form of primitive speech. Luckily it only burned through another 0.397 seconds to comprehend her questions...and another 0.163 to realize that it was not equipped with any kind of sound emission system of its own.

Therefore, in response to her line of reasoning, the Black Ball decided to answer the verbal stimuli with its own.

Interrogative. Origin. Answer? Noncommittal response. Interrogative. Method of transport. Answer? Noncommittal response.

Outwardly, the Black Ball responded as it had stumbled upon initially.

It wiggled.

Inwardly, the Black Ball was very pleased with itself as having fielded its first interaction with a living creature in this new matter-touching-matter-touching-matter-touchi...dimension.
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Ira waited for what felt like, to her, only a few seconds. In reality she was staring at the little black ball for over twenty minutes, then, with a smile, she declared, "Fascinating! Intrigue! Wonder! What time-" She glanced at the clock then cursed, "Ten minutes, dammable. Will be enough." Standing up out of her bed, she walked over toward the little black ball.

Standing before it, she declared, "I will acquire you!" Then, she reached down and picked up the ball. It did not move, but it was still roughly as hard as it was before when she rolled it away from herself. Then, speaking once more in a 'matter of fact' sort of way, she declared, "I'm going to throw you, ok?" She did not wait for its response, most assuredly it would probably just wiggle. Without hesitation, Ira chucked the ball as hard as she could at her containment unit's wall. The ball bounced off of it and rolled away, across the floor. Grinning like a tiny tyrant watching some peasant be eviscerated because they looked at her wrong, Ira snatched up the ball and laughed maniacally.

She threw it again, this time anticipating it bouncing so that she might catch it. It bounced off the wall, then the floor, then into Ira's hand. So she threw it again, and again, and again. For the next ten minutes, until the overhead lights 'DINGED' to notify Ira that they would be bringing her breakfast, Ira just kept bouncing the ball. Once the food bell went off, Ira stopped throwing the ball to grasp it and tell it, "We are friends now. Best friends. I will feed you." Then, once more, she smiled.
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-Beyond the Outside-

Deep in the conclave of beings most would call gods at the very least, tempers flared.

"Witness! The female child is throwing the creature and yet it does nothing!"

"This mockery goes too far. I say we reach through the ether and bring this farce to a close!"

The already temultuous group suddenly seemed united behind this suggestion until the one who gathered them all silenced them with a single question:

"You would summon forth the creature in which we poured so much violent and destructive"

Where there was once a growing din, a palpable silence took hold. Finally, a previously silent being seemingly made of storm clouds billowed forth through the throng.

This one hints at a dark truth, brethren," the living thunderstorm stated, its voice more akin to a rumbling thunder than any sort of organic sound, "The powers gifted to the creature are too vast and dangerous for even us to control in our current state. Like it or not, we must simply observe the creature and study for even as a failure, the creature has shown us that the Usurper has more than one face. It is good that we have learned this now and not before our more reactive compulsions drew us in to her traps."

The dark orb merely wiggled at the girl before she lifted it. Her intentions declared. The ball processed.

Danger? No. Response? Noncommittal. Defense? Unneccessary. Maintain current exterior shell tension and gross adjusted mass. Run tests on this dimension's overall physics. Yes, this will be good to know.

The ball began deducing Newtonian laws (though it did not recognize them as Newtonian) as well as the laws of friction during Ira's little experiment. A few times during the experiment, the ball performed a tangential experiment in rearranging the atoms along the surface of the wall it was being thrown against. What would normally cause a deafening crack as molecules broke the sound barrier as they approached the speed of light was suppressed by the Black Ball adjusting its outer surface to cover it entirely then absorbing the shockwaves. What little wasn't absorbed would merely sound to Ira as a simple thump a few times during her throwing. In a room on the other side of the containment facility, a verifiably ancient seismograph noted a series of small rhythmic thumps.

Finally, after what the orb-shaped creature decided was a tangible eternity, Ira stopped throwing it. Her declaration of friendship was, to the Ball, a truly alien concept, but one that it was more than ready to explore. The notion "feeding" the Ball was less alien but more perplexing. Nonetheless, it responded as it deemed necessary...

The Ball wiggled.
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The food slid under the door, eggs, English muffin, and some unidentifiably sausage. Ira grinned as she carried the ball over toward the plate. Crouching in front of the door, she ignored the sounds of someone over the loudspeaker asking her what she was holding. The insane machinations of the Foundation could wait, Ira had EXPERIMENTS to perform!

Grasping the sausage between her fingers, she made a face. It was still cold, typical. She hated it when it was cold, but it was fine hot. Then, smiling once more, she wondered if the ball liked it cold or hot. One hand holding the ball, the other holding the sausage, she declared to her new companion, "You must intake this! Imbibe its being within you, become one. Nutrients follow, necessarily. As for what, I am uninformed. Enlighten me?"

At that, she attempted to push the sausage into the ball. Alarm bells started going off, but Ira ignored them. They could attempt to pull the door open while she crouched in front of it, but if they did so, she'd dart out. Ira could be certainly slippery when she wanted to be, and a potential breach of an anomaly they absolutely could not knock out was an excursion Ira could only see as going her way. Grinning, she watched closely as to the ball's reaction. If he imbibed the sausage as she hoped, she'd place him over the plate to see if he'd consume the rest as well.

After that? Maybe it was time to go outside~
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-Beyond the Outside-

Deep in the conclave of beings most would call gods at the very least, rage had given way to shock.

"The girl-child. What...what is it doing?"

"Surely she doesn't believe that such a blunt and weak tool could possibly damage the creature?"

Silence followed as all gazed across the infinite.

The creature's eyes were locked on Ira as she carried it around. It had noticed that additional biomatter had been inserted into the room, but quick scans showed that it was heavily processed biomatter. In some ways, this was less unsettling to the Ball as it was incapable of movement or thought. The fleshy water-sacks held up by strange rock-like formations guided by electricity and chemical compounds was, to the creature's sensibilities, a sort of beautiful yet horrific, unsightly, and overly-complicated abomination. Sort of like a steamroller slamming into a herd of pigs over and over again in order to replicate the sound of grapes being stepped on by a child: utterly ridiculous.

The girl had a long thin piece of heavily processed biomatter in hand. Her declaration was entirely unintelligible to the Ball. There was nothing it must do...but it also did not have to resist either. The tube of biomatter passed through its outer material membrane easily like a metal rod through a sugary gelatin. To an outside observer, the sausage would press in for a moment then sort of pop through the black surface and fall through to...disappear entirely. Inside the Ball, however, a series of rather terrifying (or at least terrifying to creatures of this world and plane of existence) reactions took place.

Once the sausage passed through the outer material membrane, it dropped through infinite layers of null materium before finally making contact with the creature's inner anti-matter core. Once contact was made, the sausage was annihilated entirely, resulting in 1.8x10^16 joules of energy being released as well as subsequent particles that simply were recaptured in the null field for later study. To put it in layman's terms, the resulting internal explosion of the sausage's annihilation was the equivalent of 10 times the power of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima.

Luckily for everyone in the surrounding area, the only result perceptible outside of the Ball was the creature expanding 5mm in overall diameter for a moment before returning to its previous size. It did this to show the girl that it had "imbibed its being within". The creature then did as it always did.

The Ball wiggled.

-Beyond the Outside-

Across many dimensions and several various infinites of space and time, both screams of anger and howls of laughter spewed forth.

"That's it?!"

"What madness is this?!"

"I believe that to be just so. Madness," the deep-voiced one stated with some growing mirth.

Another spoke, its voice intending to be flat but rising in humor.

It seems that our test is not a total failure. Imagine the mortals' reactions if they knew that a little strange girl forcing the beast to eat breakfast had nearly destroyed a city.
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