Expo Goodbye, I Love You.

[Wendigo]

TR-01​

From Chicago to Toronto, she’s the one that they call ol’ Whatsername.
She’s a symbol of resistance and she's holdin’ on my heart like a hand grenade.​

[The recording begins. Mouse *clicks* a few times, then a few seconds of silence.]

Hi, Sammy.

[The voice is soft and slightly hoarse.]

If you found this, that only means one thing. I’m – I’m so sorry.

[Long, shaky breath.]

You’re out for the day right now. I had to wait until you left. I didn’t want you to overhear any of this. I can’t risk losing you by you finding out, but – but if you’re listening to this, I guess you found out anyway. I’ve promised Connor I’d tell you myself, but… but I wanted to make this first. Just in case I couldn’t work up the courage to do it.

Anyway, uh – Kosuke gave me this equipment. I hope the sound’s coming through alright. You’re, um… If I haven’t already, you’re going to need to get this back to him. [A deep sigh.] God, I don’t even know what you should tell him. Don’t tell him the truth. He can’t – he doesn’t deserve that. Maybe – maybe just tell him something else happened to me. [Dry chuckle.] He thinks I’m involved in – in something bad, anyway. Maybe make something up about that. Anything but the truth.

You and I were born unready
To stumble, to see
Peace was never your enemy.​

Then again. I only dragged this out for you for so long by lying. So I get why you wouldn’t want to do that. And listen, Sam – I know it probably looks like I’ve been stringing you along. But honestly, this is the most I’ve felt in years. Not really since [voice cracks] Arlo, and even he wasn’t like – like this.

You’ve made the last few months the happiest months of my life, Sam. I know that won’t make up for what you had to do, but – god. I don’t know how to make this easier on you. I know you blame yourself for Alice, and I know it’s so much worse that you had to do it yourself this time. But know that you’ve made me happy, right up to the end. I am happy with this end. The only way I could be happier is if Arlo got me before we even met, and even then, I don’t think I’d actually be happier. I just know you’d be, and that – that’s what matters. That’s all I want. That’s all I ever really wanted.

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

[Quiet. Another shaky breath.]

You… [Half-sob.] You can’t blame yourself, for this. I’ve known since we met what you were. I could’ve left at any time, to protect myself. This was my choice to stay. My choice to be happy, and – and to make you happy. I hope you were happy. For a little while. You seemed like it. And – you’re not a liar. Not like me.

I wouldn’t leave you
I would hold you
When the last day comes.​

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you. I wanted this to last. I wanted this to be forever, even though I– I knew it couldn’t. But that’s who you are. Samantha Walsh, Phoenix, predator of predators. You hunt monsters and make sure they don’t hurt anyone else. Of course this would happen. It was always going to happen I was just – too selfish to stop it. If I’m going to die, I want it to be this way, I want it to be you, because I know why you’re doing it.

I guess… I guess it could be Nat. But he’s already seen more than enough of what I am. I don’t think he’d handle it well. I don’t even really think he could do it, he’s not like – he’s still innocent. God, he’s going to miss me. [Sobbing laugh.] Fuck it, tell him it was Cryptid. [Sob. Sniff. Quiet, then calmly.] Don’t tell him that. I think – I think you should tell him the truth, at least. He’s going to hate me. And I’m okay with that. I kind of deserve it. He’s going to be angry about that. He’s going to need someone to make sure that doesn’t turn him into me. He’s smart, but his ideals mean everything to him. He needs guidance. I couldn’t really do that for him.

And – god, Adelyn. I don’t know what you should tell Adelyn. I think – there’s this Chinese place, the – the one we went to, actually. I told her we were going to go there, the first time we met, but I – we got sidetracked. I think you should take her there. You two should try to get banned. [Laughs.] I’d pay to see that. [Sigh.] Make sure she stays okay. She’s got a good head on her shoulders but – ah, you know her. You know her. You’ll take care of her. Take care of both of them. They’re going to need someone to keep an eye out for them.

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress
Until I wrap myself inside your arms, I cannot rest.​

If it helps I… I think you protected them. Neither of them is strong enough to fight off what I really am, the monster inside of me. The monster that wants you wants them, too, just differently. Nat’s a nuisance at best, and at worst, a potential threat. I don’t think I’d ever hurt him, but – but if it got to the point where you had to… to take care of me, then I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from hurting him. And Adelyn is so soft. But she’s strong, she’s a predator, in a different way from me. More like Connor.

Maybe… maybe you could introduce them. I think it’d help them both to have someone that similar.

And… and for Connor. Tell him I’m sorry I never told you. He probably won’t believe you, but I think part of him is going to be relieved. [Dry laugh.] You know, when he found out you didn’t know, he thought I was hunting you.

I– I wasn’t. I’m not. God, I hope you don’t think that. Of course the half of my soul that’s a predator wants you like that. Do you know – I don’t think you would. But you smell like an apple pie, fresh-baked on a windowsill. And – god, I hope you never have to hear me say this – you taste like a sugar cookie, when we kiss. N-no. No. Like a snickerdoodle. You’re incredible. Every part of me wants you, the bad and –

I grew tall to fill the void
Let me go, ’cause you are just a shade of what I am, not what I’ll be.​

[The voice, which had started to find its strength, gets quiet again.]

I guess it’s just the bad, isn’t it? That’s all that’s left. I guess there’s the tired, too. But that’s eventually going to give way. I’m lying, all the time. I can’t – I can’t even say these things to your face. Because I know how this is gonna end. Because I’m selfish, and a coward, and all I can do is hope you can kill me before I can kill you.

I know you can. I know you have it in you. I’ve still got the burns from the last time we talked. They’ll go away, after I eat again.

[Silence.]

I– I guess I don’t really need to tell you how that works, do I? Since– it doesn’t matter anymore. If you’re listening to this, then I don’t [sniffs] – I’m not going to hurt anyone else. Never again. [Forced upbeat.] And don’t take my tone the wrong way, Sammy. I– I’m glad. I’m glad that’s over. I won’t kill anyone else, won’t – eat anyone else. And again, I’m glad it’s you. Really, truly, and genuinely. If I didn’t think I’d ever want that, I wouldn’t have stayed.

But I’ve run for so long. It’s been – it’s been nice, having a home again.

Heart broken men long to feel nothing
To free themselves from strife.​

I know it hurts. I know. God, Sam, I know. And I’m so sorry. [Crying, audibly.] I’m so sorry it had to be you, and it had to be me, and it had to be like this. I’m so tired of all of this. I’m so tired of – of everything. Suicide by Phoenix doesn’t sound great, it’s not fair of me but – but if you had to, you had every right to. I’m tired of everything except you. And Connor, and Nat, and Addy, and Kosuke, and…

[A long, shaking breath.]

You’re like my family, now. I never really had that before. I’m sure you’ll do all your research about me now that – now. Even now I can’t really – it’s –

[A long, sniffling breath.]

It’s not worth talking about now. I wish maybe I could’ve told you everything, but now that’s… that was never a possibility. The number of lies I’ve told you just to keep us standing, to keep us us, isn’t fair. It’s not fair. None of this was fair to you. I know that. I can see that. I was so desperate to hide what I was that I’ve put you into this position. I know you love who you think I was. Who you think I am. I know… I – I know.

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough.​

I love you.

[Long, sobbing breath. Sobbing, with increased intensity.]

God, Samantha, I wish I could bring myself to say it to you. I wish it didn’t feel like a lie whenever I see how you love, knowing that you burn with it and I’m so… I’m so goddamn hollow, Sam. I’m just the hunger. No matter what I do, or how much I try, that’s all I am. I know you think we’re soulmates a-and I don’t even know if I have a soul, anymore. Not with what I’ve become. What I can be, what it– what I do. Not with the part of me that loves the idea of your throat between my teeth.

How can ‘I love you’ make up for that? How can I love you when – when I don’t have a heart, to love? I can pretend. I can play pretend and I can hope for the best, but deep down, I know. I know when I get this cold, and this hungry, that I’m… that I’m not safe. That I’ll never be safe. Not as long as I live.

And the end is unknown
But I think I’m ready
As long as you're with me.​

[Calmly. Softly.]

So maybe – maybe I can be happy, pretending. Pretending that what we are can be real, can ever be real. Maybe I can… I can let you love me, and take whatever you think I have to give. Maybe I can spend the rest of my life happy, as long as it’s with you. Whether that’s two years or two weeks, I – I think I can love you. Whatever you ask from me, you could have. You deserve it. You deserve the whole world and more.

You deserve so much more than me. And I don’t deserve you. But if I’m really what you want, then you can have almost all of me. And eventually you’re going to actually have all of me, one way or another. If you hadn’t, I know you wouldn’t be listening to this.

I’m sorry that to have all of me, you had to have my teeth. And my cold. And my hunger. I hope you don’t just remember that from me. I hope you remember some of the good. I know no matter what happens, I’ll never be able to forget it.

Each day, you'd rise with me
Know that I would gladly be
The Icarus to your certainty.​

And just remember that I love you. Please. Please remember that despite all of this, I – I have to love you, this way. The way we are. I don’t know if I have a heart, but God, I know I can give you whatever I can. I can give you security, I can protect you. And– and I know that I can’t give you that protection forever. And I know that you don’t need my protection, not from everything else out there. But I can protect you from one monster. And when I can’t anymore, I know you’ll be stronger than me.

I love you. I love you, Samantha Walsh.

[Deep breath.]

Goodbye, Sammy.

I love you.

“I’ve seen enough,” he says, “I know exactly what I want
And it's this life that we’ve created,
Inundated with the fated thought of you
And if you asked me to, if you asked me, I would lose it all
Like petals in a storm
’Cause darling, I was born to press my head between your shoulder blades
At night when light is fading
Just to let you know I’m old, waylaid and feels like I am wading
Into carpet burns and carousels–
Christ, you'll be the death of me.”​

 

[Phoenix]

The apartment was completely torn apart. Sam had spared no drawer, no piece of furniture, no closet left unopened. Everything had been displaced and disturbed methodically as she had gone through Todd’s apartment. She’d all but torn open the cushions on his couch to try and find any evidence of where her partner had gone.

It had been a week since Sam had seen Todd last, that New Year's night. After the night when he had kissed her so intently on the balcony at midnight, when they had popped open a nice bottle of moscato to celebrate. When they had danced and laughed, before they had gone to bed together, curled tightly around one another. The following night, they had both gone on patrol, but had separated. She hadn’t even heard from him since, and the panic was growing deep roots in her chest. If she had any idea where he was, it would be different.

Nothing mattered except finding him now. Nothing, with one exception. On her deep dive through his room, she had opened the top drawer of his desk and found something that had made her blood run cold. Given she had found his hunting kit– both his usual one by the looks of it and a spare– that was an impressive feat. But still, nothing could have prepared her for that little silver disk sitting at the top of his drawer, with his handwriting scrawled across the front.

Goodbye, I Love You.

It was written cleanly, with a bit of a loop to it, in tiny print. And the moment she had seen it, she had stopped. She swallowed hard and picked the little CD up. Why? Why did he have something like this? Was she meant to find this? Her heart started to pound in her ears, and it was all she could hear, and she straightened up and looked around. Todd didn’t have a CD player in his apartment, but her record player had a CD function on it.

As Sam turned to leave, she took one last look around. She hadn’t gone through the rest of the desk yet, but the rest of the apartment had been turned upside down. Looking down at the CD one more time, she took shaky steps back out, leaving everything as was. She’d clean it all up later

Her hands shook as she opened the door. Everything was shaking. Why was she shaking? Maybe the Cd was nothing. Maybe it was something from his childhood. But then why was it his current handwriting on the disk? She steadied herself as she closed her front door behind her.

She looked around her own apartment, so much more lived in than Todd’s. So colorful and full of life. Signs of both them were there. His photos she had framed on the walls, her CDs and albums. His coffee mugs in the kitchen, her tea on the counter. His jacket flung over the back of the couch, her shoes by the door. There were so many of his things in her apartment, and she couldn’t hello the way her throat felt like it was closing as she looked at them. Her free hand went to her chest, clutching the front of her shirt as she tried to breathe.

After a few moments, or maybe minutes, the feeling hadn’t gone away. She pushed away from the door and made her way quickly to the record player by the couch. She flipped open the top and looked at the CD slot. She carefully placed the CD on the wheel and closed it, turning it on as she did. A quick lick of her lips, a nervous habit that had been resurfacing lately, and she hit the small black and red play button. She sat back, slowly leaning back against the bottom of the red corduroy couch.

After a moment, the CD began to play, and noise flickered out of the speakers.

“Is she dreamin' what I'm thinkin'?
Is she the mother of all bombs? Gonna detonate
Is she trouble like I'm trouble?
Make it a double twist of fate or a melody.”

Well, if nothing else, she knew the CD was for her. “She’s A Rebel” was the song Todd had told her he thought about her to. They had laughed about it in his car after he had picked up a new copy, only earlier last month. Had it been a month? The beginning of December seemed so long ago. But he had told her that then, hadn’t he?

“Hey, this is a you song!”

She could practically hear the laughter in his voice, see the smile on his face. For just a moment, the knot in her throat unweaved, and she was able to breathe. Todd’s smile always made everything better. He made everything better. The smile fell then, and she felt her eyes start to sting.

Where was he?

Where was he and why did he make this CD?

Wait
You're holding your breath and not your ground, we're here again
With a head full of war, you need it to fill the fight in your hands
So scream at the wall, an echo calm spits back to say
"I will not falter"

She took a deep shuddering breath and dropped her head into her hands. Another song they had joked around was so her. Another song that had made it onto playlists she used. “Valkyrie” was the first song on her workout playlist that she used after hours at Infinity. She looked up from her hands at the CD player and felt her face start to twist. She could feel her blood thundering through her veins. The sound of rushing was almost as loud as the music. It was almost too much.

This didn’t make sense. Why would he make a CD like this? A CD with songs that made him think of her on it with a title like that? Why would he do this? Why? Why?!

… Was he leaving her?

Her heart almost stopped, and she suddenly couldn’t hear anything. Not the music, not the thundering of her pulse. Everything else ceased to exist. The shaking in her hands started to increase, and she tuned back in to find she was hyperventilating. Panicked. She was panicking. But what other reason would he have for making a CD like this? There was no reason for this unless he was leaving her.

What had she done wrong?

Somewhere the timing will all come together
The mishaps will turn into sunny Decembers
The lovers will be able to find their willow

Every muscle in her body went rigid for a moment when “Willow” started to play. She knew that song. She had introduced him to that song. It had been on one of the CDs she had burned for him for his car. He’d put her songs on the CD. But this song… this song was about a couple who sorted out all their issues and made it. They made it.

What had she done that was so wrong he had left her?

She sorted through months of memories. Had he always been planning to leave her? He had told her he never stayed in one place for too long. He told her that, didn’t he? Her harsh breaths started to catch as warm and salty tears slid down her cheeks, heavily dripping down into her dress. What had she done wrong?

Her mind immediately flickered over to memories of his birthday. Of their night together. Was she… was she too rough? Had she forced him into it? Had he not really wanted to sleep with her? To her, that night had been perfect, even with the shared nightmare that had followed. It had been perfect because they had finally closed the gap between them, because they had finally crossed the final line together, and he had stayed the whole night.

But what if, for him, it hadn’t been?

Like some child possessed, the beast howls in my veins
I want to find you, tear out all of your tenderness

No.

Sam shook her head in her hands as she sobbed, her teeth grit. Todd had enjoyed it. Todd had wanted it. He told her he had. He had agreed. He wouldn’t have said yes if he hadn’t wanted it.

Then, had he been planning to leave the whole time? Had he never planned to stay with her, no matter what she did, no matter how close they got? Sleeping with her, making love to her, had been a last good memory for her. She let the beat of “Howl” course through her, and tried to ground herself on it. She tried to stop the flood that was soaking her shirt. But no matter how hard she focused on the music, the words, her hands never stopped shaking. Her eyes never stopped overflowing. She couldn’t breathe.

Todd was gone.

Todd was gone.

Todd was GONE.

A small scream echoed through the space over the music as she dug her fingers into her knotted curls. Todd had left her. She was alone again. She was so alone again. Just when she finally thought everything was going to be fine. Just when she thought everything was finally going right.

He was gone.

But in this quiet company
I forget sometimes just how to breathe
Fill my lungs with the sound

She breathed.

She had to breathe. Between the gasps and the cries and the tears, she had to breathe. Somewhere in her haze, she caught the song that was playing. This one, she had told him in the week after his birthday that she thought of him to. This was her song for him. Why was this on here? Had he put this together that recently, then? She panted in breaths, trying to catch them, trying to stop the tide that was dragging her down.

She was drowning. She was drowning. Just like the song, she was drowning. The waves were going to claim her.

“Todd. Todd, why?’

She rocked against the couch, her hands deep in her hair, grasping tightly at the orange curls. Her breath caught in her throat again and she screamed his name. She felt something in her throat split, and the taste of copper hit her tongue. The shaking was in her spine, now, and her whole body trembled at the music. At the realization that she might never see him again.

She’d never feel his cool hands on her skin again. He’d never hold her face and smile at her. He’d never brush his fingers over her bare arms. She would never hear his voice again. He’d never sing badly along to Green Day. He’d never say her name with that smile and joy in his voice. She’d never sit with him again. He’d never eat at her table. He’d never be on her couch.

What had happened?

Happiness is itself desire
So long as the fire getting weak

Just as she got her composure back, she broke again. She waited for the eruption of heat, for the explosion that was surely coming, as her heart twisted painfully in her chest. But it never came. As sobs wracked her body, she felt herself grow cold. She drew her knees tightly to her chest as she shivered violently from the chill in her very bones.

“Nothing At All” played softly in the background as loud, body-shaking sobs poured out of her. There was no heat to her, and she was surprised her tears didn’t turn to ice as they traveled down her skin.

What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to go on living without him? Her lips trembled as she whispered his name, as she covered her face with her hands. How was Sam supposed to live without Todd at her side? How was she supposed to– was she supposed to move on? Was that what he thought she’d do? Did he think she’d just move on without him, just keep going?

He had no idea, then, how much he really meant to her. He had no idea what lengths she would go to be with him. Her hands slid down to her chest. It hurt. It hurt so bad. Her whole world was him. Sure, she had things outside of him. She had the gym. She had the mask. But he was her future. He was her heart, half her soul. He knew he was.

He didn’t even say goodbye.

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

Should she try to track him down? She could do that. She knew how to find people who didn’t want to be found. Eight years of hunting down Slate members had left her good at that, at least. She could find him easily. But should she? Should she hunt him down when he clearly didn’t want to be found? He’d left without a goodbye, except for this CD. Except for a handful of songs that they had shared with each other. Except for “Chasing Cars”.

Should she just let him go? Her thoughts were spiraling. She was spiraling. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t– she couldn’t–

She couldn’t let him go. She just couldn’t. Todd was everything to her. He was all she wanted, forever. The shaking in her hands was calming down enough that she could push the cloud of tangled curls from her face.

Light reflects from your shadow
It is more than I thought could exist
You move through the room
Like breathing was easy

Why? Why would he put “Angels” on this CD? Why would he put any of these songs on here? She shuddered as she tried to sort out her thoughts through the chill in her body. It felt like ice crystals were forming in her muscles. All of the energy was gone now. The tears had taken it all from her and left her sluggish and heavy. Her thoughts were starting to break off or trail too much to follow them.

All she could think was that he was gone. All she could feel was ice. Ice, running through her veins. She felt as cold as he must have most days. Then, something else settled into the emptiness in her chest. Something that resonated so deeply she didn’t know how she hadn’t thought of it sooner.

This is my punishment for all I’ve done.

Of course she couldn’t keep him. After everything she had done, she deserved this. This was punishment for all the deaths, for all the lies, for all the pain. She felt her face pull into a small, tight smile at the thought. This made sense, now. Why she would be given something, someone, that brought her so much joy, only to have them taken away from her. Only for them to leave her.

And yet.

And yet, something… didn’t feel right about that. Maybe it was that she had just forgiven herself for moving on. Maybe it was that she knew Alice wouldn’t have wanted her to think that. Maybe it was because Todd wasn’t the kind of guy to just leave like that. Whatever the case, something was off. She was too heavy to look too deeply into that feeling of wrongness, though. So instead, she sat, listening to the rest of the CD.

Strap the wing to me
Death trap clad happily
With wax melted, I'd meet the sea

“Sunlight”

He thought she was sunlight.

A soft hum started at her core. It resonated with the music.

She closed her eyes, unable to think or move.

“Fair” played, a soft conclusion, she guessed. A soft ending. Whatever was happening, wherever he’d gone, he loved her.

It was too bad that wasn’t going to stop her from what she planned to do next.

"It's not fair, oh, it's not fair how much I love you
It's not fair, 'cause you make me ache, you bastard"
And he'll say
"Oh, how, oh, how unreasonable
How unreasonably in love I am with everything you do
I'll spend my days so close to you
'Cause if I'm stood here, then I'm stood here
And I'll stand here
I'll stand here with you"

“Hi, Sammy.”

Her head shot up. She looked at the CD player with wide eyes as Todd’s voice started to come through.

“If you found this, that only means one thing. I’m– I’m so sorry.”

A sharp pang in her chest alerted her to the fact that she could feel again. The frost was melting as she listened to the voice of her soulmate as he apologized. As he talked about working up the courage to tell her. She listened to him talk about this being the happiest few months of his life. And the more he spoke, the more something tickled in the back of her head. What was that in his voice. What was that she was hearing. She knew that sound. She knew it. But she couldn’t quite put her finger on where…

“I know you blame yourself for Alice, and I know it’s so much worse that you had to do it yourself this time.”

Her heart skipped a beat. What did that mean? What did he mean he was happy with this end? What was going–

“But that’s who you are. Samantha Walsh, Phoenix, predator of predators.”

A sharp breath. This CD– he hadn’t left her. This CD was from when he thought she was going to kill him. This CD was old. That sound, it was resignation in his voice. It was the despair of knowing he would die at her hands. That’s why– that’s why. When had he made this tape? When had he done this?

And furthermore, where was he?

If he hadn’t left her, and this CD wasn’t a goodbye to her, now, then where was he? He was still missing. That whole emotional outbreak, all over a CD that wasn’t meant for now. And now, now she was listening to him cry, cry and apologize and say how much he loved her, or as much as he could without a heart, without a soul. Now she felt tears sliding down her face again at the realization that this was a suicide note, and that he had thought she would kill him, for certain.

Where was he?

She felt her shoulders start to shake again as she reached over to the CD player, to hit the stop button.

“I love you. I love you, Samantha Walsh.”

Her fingers slipped, but she managed to press the button through her hazy vision. The sound stopped, cutting off whatever the last five seconds off the track were. She couldn’t bear it. Not right then. Instead, she forced herself to her feet, almost falling as she stumbled. She leaned against the arm of the couch as panicked breaths started to squeeze her chest again. After a moment, she shook her head and walked back toward the door. She picked up the keys from the bowl by the entry table and quickly walked out, locking the door behind her.

She couldn’t be there right now. Not in their home. Not where he should have been. She couldn’t. She needed to be away from here. She needed to be somewhere where she could breathe. So without a coat, in just a long sleeved dress and some boots, she ran down the stairwell and got in her car, her hands shaking.

And she drove.​